so, yep, i went back to my weight ticker and on 1/10/10 I was 338 pounds. on 12/21/10 i was 340.4 pounds. i managed to drag myself back downhill by ending the year TWO POUNDS HEAVIER AND THAT MUCH FURTHER FROM MY GOAL THAN WHEN I STARTED IT!!!
Yes it's sad but I gotta shake it off.
ah, can't say too much because I just remembered that I have this set to transfer over to my Facebook notes section. FUCK IT! I've been real before why sugarcoat it now. I fudged up. literally in most cases. bad. continuously. consciously just acted like I did NOT CARE about the achievements I've gained and the fact that each day I let go by with proper eating and exercise was another day closer to me having to be further way and then looking/thinking back and thinking..hmmmm *say it with me now* IF I HADN'T HAVE STOPPED, WHERE WOULD I BE NOW"?!?!?!!? blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
NO ONE KNOWS where they could have been. It may hae been for me to die in a car accident getting to the gym. I could have stroked out trying to do too much because i'd hit the 300# mark and had officially lost over 100# and then bam, fall out and get mangled in the treadmill!!! LOTTA COULDAS IN THERE...but in it all, I'm pointing the finger at myself.
But I would like for you all reading this to hold me accountable a bit more. if you see me and i look like I've gained a bit of weight, don't just brush it off. mention it! I realized having worked out in front of a mirror that i'm not as "nice looking" when lifting, my legs don't have as big a stride on the treadmill as i thought they did, and well, I'm not as "small" as I thought I was back when I was hitting the gym. so my sense of self-image is warped...I rely on what others see to let me know hey, you're losing.. one of my son's teachers, well two, keep telling me you're losing you're losing and i just had to be like nooooo, I've put back on about 30#.....hmmm, so maybe I shouldn't have you all say HEEEEEY....i might be under 300 and y'all saying girl you put on some weight eh??
well, it's almost 1am...the boy just finally passed out on my leg here so i need to stretch him out somewhere and decide if i'm gonna turn off this laptop or watch another episode of 24, season 1. hmmmm, i'd better quit while i'm ahead. the last ep ended about 30 or so minutes ago while I did all this. so i'm thinking just go on to sleep.
tomorrow's new year's day dinner will be sauteed chicken breasts, sauteed garlic and kale, corn bread muffins, green beans, and black eyed peas. sunday i guess i'm making a shrimp and chicken gumbo with brown rice. i might do both tomorrow as gumbo is good re-heated. one for lunch, the other for dinner. :)
CHA CHA !!!
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