I'm still breathing on my own.

I haven't posted in ...wow..five years.  Before that it'd been a while.  I'm still here.  I actually added the blogger app to my new phone I purchased the beginning of this year so it should be easier for me to post..thus... I should be posting more.  Yeah...that hasn't happened yet! I don't even know who of you who were following my blog are still blogging or even worse still around to blog or view mine.   Wow. 

I also need to unlatch this blog from my Facebook account so I can say what I really want in anonymity.  Welp..for now, I gotta get off this pot n shower so I can get dressed and ready for church. 

Wave

Gym day after feeling yucky

45 minutes on treadmill. Not bad. Did a lil trotting/slow jogging. Yay.

Gotta do better.

geeez....I'm like a drug addict who says..I'll just have one...or... I can have it in the house. I just won't touch it. iii waaannna test my wiiiillpooower. yeah right. didn't end the night right. should have taken fruit to church. tomorrow is a new day.  i can't start relapsing already.

Almost Disappointed

I had a monthly doctor visit yesterday. I got on the scale anxious to see a drop in my weight from the number I saw at home last week. However, despite the prior knowledge that I was wearing clothes and had my diet shake and a banana in my gut, I was NOT expecting to see a rise of five pounds on that scale!!! So, when the doc walked in I was immediately like, I disagree with that scale! I was at such n such last week at home....etc etc...but then, she tells me that I've lost 8 pounds since the last visit a month ago. I was five pounds more than I thought I was when I finally decided to take a step in the right direction. So while I thought the doc's scale was only going to show a 1-2 pound loss, it didn't. She was pleased. I was relieved. Relieved because I had lost weight AND I was tempted to just say screw the day ....I did all this work and I only lost almost two pounds....and have a greasy gyros or burger. But....I went home...had fruit and leftover chili, water, and last night a sensible mini dinner before bed. 1800+ calories for the day. "You done good kid.....you done good."

Down!

Soooooooo....I'm down about six pounds since the beginning of October. A lot was retained water but the doctor will be happy next week. Not sure how long I've been losing though since I only just started to make real efforts to watch my calories last week. Trust me though. ...a loooooot...was water!

Good Day

So, today I ended up so ...just...needing some no one around me time that even though I was dressed and ready to go to church, I decided before I got down the front stairs to the van that I was gonna just drop off mom and the kids and come back home. I was going to bring the kids back, then just baby girl but I decided to have the boy stay cuz he'd be missing out at home and when mom closed the side door without taking baby girl out of her carseat she started crying. The thought of that at home when I was really just needing some quiet just had me saying...guess she wants to stay with you. Granny won. Seriously...cuz the kids weren't dicks at church for a change!!! wtf?!???!??!

Baby Steps

When a baby is learning to walk and soon to make that transition from baby to toddler, they most times try to take a step then BOOMP...bottom meets the floor. However, no way do they let the little boomps keep them from trying again and again until they've got it. Soon after they begin to walk toddlers begin to run. Every now and then, they have boomps and bumps and uh ohs, but they keep on walking and they keep on running. They stay lil busy busies!! So shall those of us who are fighting every day to stay the course toward healthier eating when our prior eating habits have for YEARS been binge binge emotional eat junk junk junk junk. Some of us have been on that course time and time again, sometimes with long-term success but even that success somehow turns back to failure. We have to keep going even though there will be boomps, bumps, and uh ohs. We have to adopt the tenacity of a toddler to keep going for what it is that is wanted....even though there's someone close by yelling NO, STOP, DON'T, NOOOOOOO!! In the case of losing weight and/or maintaining that loss, it's okay to be a kid!

I'm not dead...

I'm still here...but I'm back up to my max weight....possibly more. I was 3+ pounds away from it last week. I haven't weighed myself since and I haven't been making a real effort to lose so...i'm sure I'm at or above that 405# mark. It's very sad.

From Couch to Coach at ProSource.net

From Couch to Coach at ProSource.net

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

so, yep, i went back to my weight ticker and on 1/10/10 I was 338 pounds. on 12/21/10 i was 340.4 pounds. i managed to drag myself back downhill by ending the year TWO POUNDS HEAVIER AND THAT MUCH FURTHER FROM MY GOAL THAN WHEN I STARTED IT!!!

Yes it's sad but I gotta shake it off.

ah, can't say too much because I just remembered that I have this set to transfer over to my Facebook notes section. FUCK IT! I've been real before why sugarcoat it now. I fudged up. literally in most cases. bad. continuously. consciously just acted like I did NOT CARE about the achievements I've gained and the fact that each day I let go by with proper eating and exercise was another day closer to me having to be further way and then looking/thinking back and thinking..hmmmm *say it with me now* IF I HADN'T HAVE STOPPED, WHERE WOULD I BE NOW"?!?!?!!? blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

NO ONE KNOWS where they could have been. It may hae been for me to die in a car accident getting to the gym. I could have stroked out trying to do too much because i'd hit the 300# mark and had officially lost over 100# and then bam, fall out and get mangled in the treadmill!!! LOTTA COULDAS IN THERE...but in it all, I'm pointing the finger at myself.

But I would like for you all reading this to hold me accountable a bit more. if you see me and i look like I've gained a bit of weight, don't just brush it off. mention it! I realized having worked out in front of a mirror that i'm not as "nice looking" when lifting, my legs don't have as big a stride on the treadmill as i thought they did, and well, I'm not as "small" as I thought I was back when I was hitting the gym. so my sense of self-image is warped...I rely on what others see to let me know hey, you're losing.. one of my son's teachers, well two, keep telling me you're losing you're losing and i just had to be like nooooo, I've put back on about 30#.....hmmm, so maybe I shouldn't have you all say HEEEEEY....i might be under 300 and y'all saying girl you put on some weight eh??

well, it's almost 1am...the boy just finally passed out on my leg here so i need to stretch him out somewhere and decide if i'm gonna turn off this laptop or watch another episode of 24, season 1. hmmmm, i'd better quit while i'm ahead. the last ep ended about 30 or so minutes ago while I did all this. so i'm thinking just go on to sleep.

tomorrow's new year's day dinner will be sauteed chicken breasts, sauteed garlic and kale, corn bread muffins, green beans, and black eyed peas. sunday i guess i'm making a shrimp and chicken gumbo with brown rice. i might do both tomorrow as gumbo is good re-heated. one for lunch, the other for dinner. :)

CHA CHA !!!